Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Painting 101

In all my creativeness, I had never tried to paint, until the other winter, right after my surgery, when I was feeling my lowest. My sister said to me that now was the time to forget all the walls, the boundaries that I had put on myself and do whatever I had wanted to do and so I did, and I started painting.

This was one of the very first painting I ever did. A flower, a very timid flower at that, you see. I made the background a very watered down color of the flower and I was so scared to paint a flower petal that I just drew lines for the petals, and I even put it half off the canvas because I didn't think I could do the whole flower.
On the day I painted that I was so proud that I actually put paintbrush to canvas and came out with something that looked good, and I liked. I am still proud of that.

Today, I look at that picture, and I see so much more. I see a woman who was frightened and afraid, of painting but more of life, of what was going to happen, could I do this, could I be this other person. I had just had a major surgery, it changed who I was, or at least I felt like it did, I felt like it took away my identity. I was TAMM, T(Tiernan), A(Amalia), M(Maeve's),Mom and I was now no longer able to be a mom, I had a hysterectomy, and everything that made me a mom was gone, or so I felt. It took a lot of soul searching and praying, time with family and friends, and even some painting for me to realize that those parts do not define me at all!

Yes, that is a timid flower, and I still like it, but if you see a painting from today, you won't see the timid colors, I am bold and bright and in your face, because time is just too short to be timid, but there is still a place for the timid in the world. I just don't paint them anymore.

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